Hey all! I'm back again with some updates and goals in mind for my blog this summer.
First of all, my boyfriend and I are now official as of the 29th! We saw Backrooms together (great movie) and then went to Olive Garden because I've somehow never been before. He stayed over for a few hours at my apartment after and while I was texting a friend about how I just got put on Olive Garden by my date, he asked if we were actually a thing now. My date was also reading the texts (we both know the guy) and that's when he said that I could tell our friend yes if I was okay with that. I wanted to ask him after our third day together (and actually did drunkenly ask after the first week, though he understandably needed more time) so of course I was! Things have been absolutely wonderful with him and I'm very happy.
Events in my very near future
Like I said, I'm very happy, but entering a healthy relationship for the first time in my life has forced me to further process the way people in my past treated me. While I'm reflecting on all different kinds of relationships in my life (with family, friends etc), there is one especially that has been giving me trouble lately.
Yes, we're talking about our dear John Doe again.
If you've been following my ramblings for whatever reason, you may remember John as
my ex-situationship that tried to hurt me last time he saw me. I'm not gonna rehash that entire story, but if you read that post you'll be very much caught up. I know I sound like a red flag for discussing what is essentially an ex, but he's been on my mind recently for both quiet and blaring reasons.
On the quieter side of things, I'm coming to realize just how deeply John affected me. During the final months of John being in my life, there were a lot of times where I felt like an annoyance to him. If I said something he didn't find interesting or made a joke that didn't entirely land, he'd ignore me, even in person. If I didn't drive to him, he would find an excuse to not see me. Meanwhile, he'd drive hours to see other friends or hookups and eventually that partner he hid from me. This constantly made me feel anxious and unwanted and you can imagine how much worse all those emotions got when he hard-launched that partner at me. In my mind, I believed that all those little annoying and inconvenient moments are what made me not enough for him.
I thought I had moved past thinking that way, but I keep finding myself apologizing to my boyfriend for things that don't make sense. Every time he goes out of his way to do even the smallest thing for me, I feel like I'm wasting his time and energy. There are moments where I spiral and convince myself that he's gonna get sick of me any minute, even though he's given me absolutely no reason to think he would.
I wish I had something profound to say or an immediate solution to give myself, but I don't. It turns out I was less healed than I thought I was, but things will continue to get better with time. I think all I can do for now is try to work through these emotions in writing (and continuing to be open with my boyfriend about things, which has helped a ton!!), which is why I'm aiming to write about my emotions way more this summer than I have the past couple months. It does help!
Now, on terms of louder things, I'm probably going to see John tonight and this has been bothering me for obvious reasons. To make it worse, the last time I saw him was at the Middle East while Holder was playing... and tonight I'm going to the Middle East to see Holder, which is why the chances of him being there are so high. My boyfriend has unfortunately been sick all week so I'm going alone, but I know that I'll have at least one other friend there.
Expect an update on this tonight if John's actually there. If not I'll see you guys in the next one! -G
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