1.15

Hey all. I had a really eventful night, which is why I'm writing so late. I experienced a really intense rollercoaster of emotions, and I'm still trying to process everything. 

 I Promised (You) The World

I had a friend named 'John.' We met when university room services randomly threw us together in a suite. Honestly, I couldn't stand the guy at first. I thought he was cocky and arrogant, but halfway through the year, I found myself on a similar schedule to his, and we ended up spending a lot more time together. We realized we had way more in common than I thought. I even ended up covering for his band's bass player that year. 

After a few deeper conversations, it became clear that although he was graduating, that wouldn't be the last time I saw him. On our final day in the dorm, he told me about this show he was going to the next day. I impulse-bought a ticket and found myself at my first hardcore music show ever. I loved everything about the energy of that show, from the insane pits to the passionate bands talking about what they believe in on stage in between songs that sounded like nothing else I'd ever listened to at that point. This led me to go to more and more shows, with John pretty much becoming my guide for the scene. He sent me flyers and told me what bands to check out, and we'd meet up.

For whatever reason, everything changed in August 2024. He told me about this show Negative Approach was putting on at the Middle East (a local venue), and I went. 

There had always been a bit of a flirty and confusing undertone to our friendship. Sometimes it felt like a joke, but sometimes not at all. I questioned those feelings a lot that summer, wondering if I was joking at all. Suddenly, I run into him at this loud, gritty venue full of all sorts of white trash and dirtbags. The moment he walks up to me, I remember everything suddenly seeming very quiet. When he smiled and hugged me, in an instant, something totally new showed its head in my mind. This thing shed every layer of irony and denial I had buried it in, and an entirely new emotion was revealed to me. I had no idea what it was, but I knew I that I really liked this guy. Suddenly, this douchebag wonderland seemed like the most important place in the world, and I wanted the douchebag in front of me to never let go.

He hugged me for a while. My brain was malfunctioning, rapid-firing random greetings at him. He didn't say a word. When he finally stepped back, the only thing I could think was, "Maybe this is the prettiest person I've ever seen," and when he walked off to get a drink, I got so dizzy that I thought I was gonna fall over and throw up. 

I'm saying all this shit, and you're probably thinking, "Wow, you're a cornball." Unfortunately, falling in love makes people cornballs. Love makes the corniest words fall out of your mouth because explaining that feeling is so difficult, especially when you experience it for the first time.

At this point, I had no idea it was love. I knew I liked him, but this felt so different than any crush I had before. I didn't know why. It scared me a little because this was the first emotion I had in a long time that I couldn't understand.

I tried to bury it so badly. I spent that fall getting involved in my music scene and trying to get myself to crush on anyone else. There were some girls I found myself interested in over the semester, but when it felt like any sort of spark was happening, my brain would just go back to him. The things I liked about them were things I liked about John. I tried so hard, but one night I found myself drunk with my friends and the words escaped my mouth, unprompted, in a jumbled mess: the dreams of just taking him on nice dates, the way thinking about him would give me butterflies so bad that I'd run to the bathroom thinking I'd be sick, the way I had tried for nearly five months to let these feelings go away all to no avail. Now that it was spoken out loud, it was over. They weren't going to go away unless something went horribly wrong.

John hadn't been around much, but we texted at least a few times a week. I thought his absence would make my feelings go away, but they clearly hadn't. He had some stupid drama within the local music scene, and for some reason, most of his friends turned against him.  This is why our friendship became so based in the overall New England hardcore scene.

We started going to shows together in February. Instead of driving somewhere separately, we went the extra mile to pick each other up, despite living an hour apart, and started getting dinner after. My friends encouraged me to just try to lean into the whole flirty thing more seriously and see what happens. What surprised me was that it seemed like he was reciprocating. Sending me romantic songs, complimenting me more, and commenting on when I was obviously nervous around him. There was tension, and I was absolutely shocked by this. I had no idea what to do.

There was finally a moment on the last day of February where I finally understood what I felt. We were outside AS220 (another lovely venue), and all of a sudden, it clicked. Every single thing about him and I felt different because I loved him. That felt insane to say, considering we weren't even dating, but this was something I believed without a doubt in my mind was true. When I was in love, I never felt safer around someone. Every single thing that happened when we spent time together felt important and beautiful. 

After that night's show, he opened up to me about how shitty his friends were to him. (I still agree that they're really shitty people despite recent events.) He was so upset to the point where I thought he was gonna cry, when suddenly, to change the topic, he asked if I liked anyone at the moment. Of course, he asks this after he's had some drinks and nearly cried at an iHOP at 11:30 PM. There was no way this was the appropriate time to tell him. But I made a different mistake, I double downed that I don't like anyone at all. What would have happened if I responded differently? Knowing what I know now, I have no idea. 

Things went on for so painfully long. In the earlier months of 2025, he'd go on one date with someone, but after seeing me again, he'd lose interest in them. We started saying "I love you." He'd make any excuse to poke at me and mess up my hair or whatever. We'd look at each other without saying a word for too long.

Suddenly, from September on, he was too busy to see me. He had a new job and said that was why, but I saw him hanging out with people all the time on social media. If I tried to make plans, he'd cancel. Despite that, he'd still text me saying he missed me. I decided not to think anything of it. We lived an hour apart, and I knew for a fact that at least some of those people were way closer to him. 

Then Halloween happened. My friend convinced me to take an edible for the first time. She told me it would kick in at 10 PM, and then we went off to a party someone from our college was holding. I'm on the house's porch, drunk out of my mind, smoking cigarettes with a few buddies. John calls me at 10:01 PM. 

The second I got on the phone it was very obvious that I was hammered. I was yelling at the phone, telling him where I was, and I asked why he called. He walked away in the middle of his shift to call me and say, "I think you and I were meant to be together." He blows off work and gets berated by his manager just to say this to me. Why would someone do that for a dumb joke?

I was so drunk, and the edible kicked in halfway through the call. I start shouting for the whole street to hear, YES! I LOVE YOU!  and he says he loves me too. This happens over and over until he randomly hangs up (the manager found him). 

One of my greatest friends, Russell, watches this go down just a few feet in front of him. Now I'm high for the first time, and I'm scared I just hallucinated that call. He has to sit with me for God knows how long, telling me it actually happened, and he heard the whole thing. He has to repeat the phone call to me over and over. The friend who gave me the edible drives me home and confirms I wasn't hallucinating. I call three other people to make sure I'm not hallucinating. Everyone said, "It looks like it finally happened. Congrats."

John and I don't talk about this phone call the next day. Or ever. Because I planned to talk to him about it the next weekend and invited him to a hardcore show near my house. He cancelled out of the blue "for reasons." We never talk about it because it turns out he has a partner that he was going on a date with, and only tells me after that weekend. The conclusion I've come to is that he really got a kick out of leading me on and wanted to keep that happening for as long as possible, which, I guess, is why he didn't tell me for so long. You don't just go official with someone overnight, and I had never heard about this person before.

I've covered that whole event in another post, and this is what leads us to tonight. Tonight, I went back to the Middle East as part of my process to heal from the absolute psychological damage John caused me in 2025. That was the venue where it started, and the venue we had gone to the most. This was a big step for me, and while I was scared, I thought seeing I Promised The World would make it worthwhile.

I get to the venue after driving through a blizzard. Once I'm inside and have had a drink, I text a close friend of mine about how I'm there. I say something like, Imagine if he shows up here tonight? I think I'd die, but it'd be the funniest thing ever. I turn around just to make sure this remains a funny hypothetical. About ten feet behind me, walking through the door, is John. 

At least it was
 pretty outside

It's been a long time since I've been scared of a person like that. I was not ready to talk to him. It's too soon. As soon as the first band's set ends, I book it out the door and walk down the block. I'm so freaked out that I call my cousin. We make a plan where if he does try to talk to me, I'll just be honest and say that we need to do this another time. Easy enough.

He never talks to me. Instead, during the next band's set, he tries to crowdkill me. Crowdkilling is when someone targets a random person not in the pit and just tries to beat the shit out of them. It's a shitty thing to do, and I've never seen John do that. Now, I'm watching him sprint across the open floor and jump at me with his arm fully ready to deliver a blow.

I got lucky. He only hit the top of my head. It was pretty hard, but I've been hit way worse. It was the intent that really fucking hurt. It hurt so fucking bad, and it's going to hurt for a while. This was him confirming I really wasn't worth much to him. 

I lost friends over him. I was there for him when everyone from my city ditched him. I deeply loved this person (platonically as well, of course) and made sure he knew that with every gesture. When I stopped talking to him without an explanation, he, instead of looking in and wondering, "Why did he, of all people, stop talking to me?" decided the best move was to try to beat me up without a word. He doesn't care about how I'm feeling, only how everything makes him feel.

I had always wondered, why did all of his friends leave and side with a total asshole instead? I fully understand now. I understand why he has no childhood friends and why every band he's been in has kicked him out eventually. It's become so clear to me that he's simply not worth fighting for. It almost makes me feel stupid for caring about him in the first place.

I looked away after he hit me, pretending that it was just some doofus in the crowd accidentally flailing out of control into some bystanders (a much more common and inoffensive occurrence in hardcore). I saw him a few more times around the venue, but no words were ever shared. I thought about sending a text later, but I've now decided against it. He wants a reaction out of me, and the best thing I can do is not give him that satisfaction.

Within just about a year, I showed this person my whole world, and he smashed it to pieces. Now I don't know if I ever truly knew him at all, yet he knows things no one else might ever know. It genuinely feels like I'm grieving him sometimes. If you ask anyone close to me, they'd know how much I loved John and how deeply painful, to the point of vasculitis, it was for me to walk out of his life. He knows I'd never want to hurt him in the ways he's hurt me. There is no other person who has caused this kind of pain in my life, but I know he won't be the last. I'm only 21. At least next time I'll know to be more careful. 

And unfortunately, I can't promise myself that this is the last day I'll see him. 

Five Guys, Burgers, and Fries

After John crowdkilled me, I walked out of the venue to have a cigarette and look at the snow. It was really beautiful out, and despite my soul feeling like a crumpled piece of paper, I could still go appreciate the view and maybe feel a little better. However, the moment I walked out the door, I came across a few venue staff surrounding someone with blood pouring down his face. There was a bit of a crowd, and people were freaking him out by going "dude, that's so much fucking blood!"

I've been there before, actually, at that same venue. In August, I saw Haywire there and got cut across the head with a swinging metal mic stand. I never needed stiches but there was blood everywhere. John had to help clean me up, and then took pictures of me when we realized I was okay and that we could have a laugh about it. It was a weird thing to relive after what had just happened a few minutes ago.

I wanted everyone to stop freaking out, so I told the crowd that the same thing happened to me and that it only looks super bad until you clean yourself up. Some guys were pretty interested in my story, and I went on and told them about the whole event. This group I stumbled upon was five guys from Connecticut who drove all the way to Boston through the snow to get here. 

I thought this would've just been a one-off chat with this group, as usual at a show, but then the unthinkable happened: Someone released a fucking stink bomb during the second-to-last band's set. Why??!!

Holder had a secret set!
Another much-needed
addition to the night

I actually didn't know this had happened because I, by some miracle, went outside maybe 30 seconds before it happened. I thought the band playing was a little boring and decided the snow would be a better sight. Were they really boring enough for a stink bomb, though? As I'm lighting my trillionth cigarette (I usually don't smoke a lot, but alas, the evening's events), people come running out of the building saying it smells like someone shit their pants. I thought this was the funniest and most insane thing ever, and so did the CT guys. This led to us talking for a while as the stink cleared out of the room. It was bearable enough just in time for I Promised The World's set!

I'm really happy I stayed because this is probably one of the best acts I've seen live. They sound exactly like their recordings. It was so good that my shoe somehow got knocked off. People lost all sorts of items, and all sorts of people, old and young (even one furry), were flying off the stage in all directions. I'm not super familiar with their music, but despite not knowing all the words, I got so emotional.

After their set ended, the show was over, and it was time for my (once our) traditional stop at the McDonald's across the street. I ordered my food, sat down, and suddenly the CT guys entered and sat down at my table when they saw me. I really struggled to make friends when I was younger, so having a ton of new acquaintances going out of their way to hang out with me felt really great, and that little boost was definitely needed tonight. We stayed at that McDonald's for nearly an hour, shooting the shit, and we talked about all the insane people we've encountered in the scene. I ended up opening up a little about what I was dealing with at the show tonight, explaining that my old best friend was there and trying to crowdkill me, and them telling me that this was insane behavior on his end was something I really needed to hear. I got their socials so we could stay in touch (guess I'll be checking my Instagram DMs on my desktop here and there from now on), and we all agreed that we need to hang out again.

Having new friends say you're one of the coolest people they've ever met at a show while your old friend makes you feel a little worthless is a really strange place to be. I cried for a long time on my drive home, but I'm also so grateful for the people I met tonight. There's always gonna be people out there worth fighting to keep in your life. Maybe you don't have them now, but they'll come.

My Music Collection

Grace by Jeff Buckley is an album that John put me on that's grown to be one of my favorites. This is the best album about heartbreak of all time. Buckley is one of my favorite vocalists and songwriters, and he picked a fantastic group of musicians to back him and his guitar. It's gotten me through so many insane moments lately.

Grace is one of the most impressive songs on this record. It haunts me in a way that makes my chest hurt just thinking about it. Buckley explained the meaning behind it in an interview in 1994:

"It’s about not fearing death, or fearing any of those countless slings and arrows that you suffer sometimes on this earth, because somebody loves you. You’re not afraid to go, you’re not afraid to withstand what you need to withstand because there’s a tremendous fuel that you feel regenerating inside because of someone else’s love for you. That’s what Grace is about." 

That's what it is to me, too. I'm not afraid to live without him. I know that this had to happen and that, as much as it's been hurting, there are better things ahead. There are many people in my life who love me, and the process of losing him has only proven that to me more and more. 

I don't know what he's doing right now, and I don't need to know. I just hope that one day he learns from all his mistakes and becomes a person that people want to keep around. I don't hate him, but thinking about him makes me so upset and angry. I hope he heals from whatever thing in his head that makes him treat people the way he does. Maybe one day far down the line we'll talk again.

 Sorry for the long and messy post. I'm not even sure if it makes sense, but writing is how I process things. I might have to edit this in the morning. Feeling very grateful for my friends and the lovely people I've interacted with on here. See you tomorrow. -G