6.1

Hey all! I'm back again with some updates and goals in mind for my blog this summer. 

First of all, my boyfriend and I are now official as of the 29th! We saw Backrooms together (great movie) and then went to Olive Garden because I've somehow never been before. He stayed over for a few hours at my apartment after and while I was texting a friend about how I just got put on Olive Garden by my date, he asked if we were actually a thing now. My date was also reading the texts (we both know the guy) and that's when he said that I could tell our friend yes if I was okay with that. I wanted to ask him after our third day together (and actually did drunkenly ask after the first week, though he understandably needed more time) so of course I was! Things have been absolutely wonderful with him and I'm very happy. 

Events in my very near future

Like I said, I'm very happy, but entering a healthy relationship for the first time in my life has forced me to further process the way people in my past treated me. While I'm reflecting on all different kinds of relationships in my life (with family, friends etc), there is one especially that has been giving me trouble lately. 

Yes, we're talking about our dear John Doe again. 

If you've been following my ramblings for whatever reason, you may remember John as my ex-situationship that tried to hurt me last time he saw me. I'm not gonna rehash that entire story, but if you read that post you'll be very much caught up. I know I sound like a red flag for discussing what is essentially an ex, but he's been on my mind recently for both quiet and blaring reasons.  

On the quieter side of things, I'm coming to realize just how deeply John affected me. During the final months of John being in my life, there were a lot of times where I felt like an annoyance to him. If I said something he didn't find interesting or made a joke that didn't entirely land, he'd ignore me, even in person. If I didn't drive to him, he would find an excuse to not see me. Meanwhile, he'd drive hours to see other friends or hookups and eventually that partner he hid from me. This constantly made me feel anxious and unwanted and you can imagine how much worse all those emotions got when he hard-launched that partner at me. In my mind, I believed that all those little annoying and inconvenient moments are what made me not enough for him.

I thought I had moved past thinking that way, but I keep finding myself apologizing to my boyfriend for things that don't make sense. Every time he goes out of his way to do even the smallest thing for me, I feel like I'm wasting his time and energy. There are moments where I spiral and convince myself that he's gonna get sick of me any minute, even though he's given me absolutely no reason to think he would.

I wish I had something profound to say or an immediate solution to give myself, but I don't. It turns out I was less healed than I thought I was, but things will continue to get better with time. I think all I can do for now is try to work through these emotions in writing (and continuing to be open with my boyfriend about things, which has helped a ton!!), which is why I'm aiming to write about my emotions way more this summer than I have the past couple months. It does help!

Now, on terms of louder things, I'm probably going to see John tonight and this has been bothering me for obvious reasons. To make it worse, the last time I saw him was at the Middle East while Holder was playing... and tonight I'm going to the Middle East to see Holder, which is why the chances of him being there are so high. My boyfriend has unfortunately been sick all week so I'm going alone, but I know that I'll have at least one other friend there. 

Expect an update on this tonight if John's actually there. If not I'll see you guys in the next one! -G

5.2

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS

This is a direct sequel to my post about B on Friday. 

So Saturday, one of my local basement venues put on a big 'festival' where just about every single local band I could think of showed up and played. I knew B was gonna be there but I figured all the noise (and alcohol) would take my mind off of those deeply upsetting feelings I was having. 

The event was supposed to last until only 9 but of course it didn't. This turned out to be a good thing because we were really fucking drunk. Like to the point that B kept falling over. And at the same time I was going crazy because the alcohol was *shockingly* making my feelings worse. He was getting more and more affectionate the whole night, and because he was straight, I was stopping myself from reciprocating.

At around 9:30 we end up sitting outside on the patio. The chairs are soaking wet from the rain but we're so plastered that we don't care. He tells me I don't have to stay up there with him but I wanted to make sure he was fine. He says he's really grateful for me and we sit in silence for a while.

There's other people out there too and for whatever reason they're talking about sexuality. I'm not paying attention to this conversation at all but I guess B was because he blurts out "I don't use labels!"

"Wait, what?"

"Don't worry about it," and that's when he hugs my arm.

It turns out that I didn't read him correctly when he told me he used to identify as bi in high school. I didn't consider that instead of being straight, he just didn't like labels.

We sat there for what felt like an eternity. I was trying my best to process what was happening but my brain was in total shock.

Finally he says, "I really like you."

"I thought you were straight?"

"I don't know where you got that from. You really couldn't tell I liked you?"

I was so drunk and tired (I hadn't eaten yet either!) that I just start listing off people that would find this really funny. Professors, friends, etc. Eventually we go back downstairs but I keep panicking and going back outside to call a couple friends about the situation to calm myself down. For context, I've been liked by very few people, and this was the first time that I actually had feelings back. They weren't exactly negative emotions but I was extremely overwhelmed and had to talk to people so I wouldn't freak out B. I ended up leaving shortly after that because I felt sick and needed to lay down.

I slept for maybe three hours that night, but manned up the next day and asked him if he meant what he said last night. 

To cut a lot of things short, we've already been on two dates and I'm super fucking happy. I even had my first kiss ever on Sunday. I even took him to my favorite spot to stargaze and I'll most likely write about that next post. 

It's just crazy to me that on Friday I thought I had no chance and now we're starting to date. It's insane to me.

Expect MANY updates about this. See you next time! -G

5.1

OH NO

Remember those friends I made? It's taking a really, really unexpected turn.

First of all, good news: semester's over. I finished my math minor and am on track to be done with all my classes in the fall so I can just do my internship in the spring. I'm probably the only music major in years to get a math minor done so that's pretty cool.

Second thing, I've been hanging out with one of my buddies a lot lately. We're gonna call him B. We've spent an ungodly amount of time together this past week studying and getting finals done. He was even on one of my big recording projects (fucking awesome player if you were wondering, since that's somehow not a guarantee at a music school). He's a really close friend so it's been all good.

However.

We were out getting drinks earlier this week and near the end of the night I was pretty cooked. I bring this up because there was a nano-fraction of time where I wondered if I had a crush on him. The thought entered my mind as quickly as it left it and I very quickly told myself, "no, you're drunk." 

I didn't think about that moment for days despite how much we were hanging out. We got food again Wednesday and even though I drank nothing like that ran through my head.

HOWEVER.

I felt really weird when I woke up Thursday. I didn't go back to campus because I got all my projects/exams done the day before so I just hung around and watched Youtube aimlessly for a few hours. Finally out of nowhere my brain nuked me with Wednesday night's dream: I was very deeply and mutually in love with B. Besides the obvious, the dream wasn't too weird, thank god. We were on some sort of casual date, and it seemed like we had been dating for some time at this point. I was in love for some time in 2025, so it was really fucking odd to feel that again for a different person, especially in a dream. Why the hell did my brain do that? It all felt way too real. 

This bothered me for the rest of Thursday up until tonight, where I went out to see a gig that he and many of our friends were playing. I was so anxious to even get out of my car for reasons that make more sense in hindsight. I was kinda trying to shove down all the confusion the dream left me feeling and it was absolutley manifesting into anxiety. Luckily the gig was great and we had a lot of fun!

HOWEVER

The second B ended up sitting next to me, all the confusion I had felt throughout the week felt microscopic compared to the emotions I was feeling then. To my utter dismay, I felt all the warning signs.

I've come to realize that I subconsciously do little things differently when I'm around someone I like: I tease them more. Holding eye contact is hard if we're close to each other. I even smile differently. Something in my chest just feels different.

To my utter dismay, it was all there tonight. When he hugged me I had to Irish goodbye everyone else because if I stayed any longer I was going to start crying in front of the whole restaurant.

 Well, why don't you just tell him how you feel if you're such good friends? Maybe there's a chance.

Well, here's the kicker: 

He's not into dudes.

I have spent my entire life wondering how the hell gay people catch feelings for straight people. I've always heard that this is a canon event for queers, and I thought that, as someone who's known they're queer for about 9 years, I somehow skipped over that event. I have never been so wrong. 

So that leads to exactly right now: I'm recovering from sobbing and sobering up while all the embarrassment, shame, confusion, and honest-to-God fear I'm feeling eat at me. And I'm not crying because I'm bummed he could never feel this way. It's because I really don't want these feelings to be here.

I'm really scared of how this could affect my friendship with him. It's likely I'm gonna run into him AGAIN tomorrow and I don't know how that'll go with how nervous all this is making me. He's one of my closest friends and I don't want something as dumb as this affecting us. I somehow feel like these feelings are all my fault, even though they were sprung at me out of nowhere with no warning. I keep spiraling, worrying that they're gonna get worse, and to the point where I'm gonna have to confess to him and cut him off. That's the absolute last thing I want or need to happen right now. The other alternative is that these feelings leave as quickly as they came, which is the outcome I'm rooting for. I really don't know how he'd react to this information so I'd rather that I never have to tell him.

I've been trying to sleep for hours, holding my phone speaker against my chest as if Nude by Radiohead is gonna subliminally exorcise me of this bullshit. What a bizarre fucking way to start my summer.

Expect updates in the future on this unfortunate matter.... -G