grayson’s blog :)

 The Other Side of Things… Hello again! I know I keep saying I’ll be more active but things just keep happening to me.  Firstly, my weeks long anxiety attack finally ended around the end of last week after starting around July 13th. It was a horrible experience and I felt like it was never going to end. I was paranoid all the time despite common sense telling me not to be and I was struggling to even drink water regularly. I haven’t felt that much anxiety in years and I hope that next time this happens, I’ll be more prepared for it.  Second, I’m off all social media besides YouTube and Reddit. I lost my Tumblr account in a (in hindsight, extremely obvious) scam. I got rid of Instagram maybe a week or two ago when my anxiety was peaking and I don’t know if I’ll get it back again. The app definitely has a way of knowing when you’re alone and kept putting a lot of triggering content in my feed when I wasn’t hanging out with anyone, even when I kept hitting not interested. It...

Hey all! I'm back again with some updates and goals in mind for my blog this summer.  First of all, my boyfriend and I are now official as of the 29th! We saw Backrooms together (great movie) and then went to Olive Garden because I've somehow never been before. He stayed over for a few hours at my apartment after and while I was texting a friend about how I just got put on Olive Garden by my date, he asked if we were actually a thing now. My date was also reading the texts (we both know the guy) and that's when he said that I could tell our friend yes if I was okay with that. I wanted to ask him after our third day together (and actually did drunkenly ask after the first week, though he understandably needed more time) so of course I was! Things have been absolutely wonderful with him and I'm very happy.  Events in my very near future Like I said, I'm very happy, but entering a healthy relationship for the first time in my life has forced me to further process the w...

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS This is a direct sequel to my post about B on Friday.  So Saturday, one of my local basement venues put on a big 'festival' where just about every single local band I could think of showed up and played. I knew B was gonna be there but I figured all the noise (and alcohol) would take my mind off of those deeply upsetting feelings I was having.  The event was supposed to last until only 9 but of course it didn't. This turned out to be a good thing because we were really fucking drunk. Like to the point that B kept falling over. And at the same time I was going crazy because the alcohol was *shockingly* making my feelings worse. He was getting more and more affectionate the whole night, and because he was straight, I was stopping myself from reciprocating. At around 9:30 we end up sitting outside on the patio. The chairs are soaking wet from the rain but we're so plastered that we don't care. He tells me I don't have to stay up th...

OH NO Remember those friends I made? It's taking a really, really unexpected turn. First of all, good news: semester's over. I finished my math minor and am on track to be done with all my classes in the fall so I can just do my internship in the spring. I'm probably the only music major in years to get a math minor done so that's pretty cool. Second thing, I've been hanging out with one of my buddies a lot lately. We're gonna call him B. We've spent an ungodly amount of time together this past week studying and getting finals done. He was even on one of my big recording projects (fucking awesome player if you were wondering, since that's somehow not a guarantee at a music school). He's a really close friend so it's been all good. However. We were out getting drinks earlier this week and near the end of the night I was pretty cooked. I bring this up because there was a nano-fraction of time where I wondered if I had a crush on him. The thought e...

So Much Change It's been about a month and a half since I last posted. Life has been super busy for me and I feel like somehow, so much has changed. I'm close with mostly entirely different people now than I was in February. An old friend was kinda horrible to me and a mutual friend of ours. This led to the collapse of my final friend group, and now I'm kinda floating around the social pool of my city. I have friends all over now. I got way closer with that mutual friend as we navigated that guy's bullshit. A few new ones were made due to my increased time alone on weekdays, where I now use that time to study at a table in the music building's lobby. I've spent enough time with the other regulars at that table that I've become friends with them, bonding over silly gossip (a whole ton of "wait, did we really just see/hear that?") and our shared opinions on music and musicianship. I've also continued to bond with a few professors, who I consider ...

Grieving People Who Haven't Died February 28th is a really strange day for me this year. Today marks one year since I realized I was in love with someone. I could point out to you just about where on that Providence sidewalk it clicked for me. This is what I wrote when I came home that night:  Friday I realized that I’m in love with you. The energy in the room was great and everyone was getting along so you were happy. You looked at me and smiled and I wish I was able to take 1000 photos of that moment. For a moment my world stood still and even sound hesitated to enter my ears. Though you weren’t dressed up I thought you looked beautiful. You’re beautiful simply because you’re you. You passed through me like sunlight in a dense forest and gently warmed my chest. The energy shot up to behind my eyes and I felt all my senses expand into another dimension the same way they do during the best part of a favorite song. I looked into your eyes and wanted nothing more than to be truthful ...