April

So Much Change

It's been about a month and a half since I last posted. Life has been super busy for me and I feel like somehow, so much has changed.

I'm close with mostly entirely different people now than I was in February. An old friend was kinda horrible to me and a mutual friend of ours. This led to the collapse of my final friend group, and now I'm kinda floating around the social pool of my city.

I have friends all over now. I got way closer with that mutual friend as we navigated that guy's bullshit. A few new ones were made due to my increased time alone on weekdays, where I now use that time to study at a table in the music building's lobby. I've spent enough time with the other regulars at that table that I've become friends with them, bonding over silly gossip (a whole ton of "wait, did we really just see/hear that?") and our shared opinions on music and musicianship.

I've also continued to bond with a few professors, who I consider more as genuine mentors than just people running a class for a paycheck (there are plenty of those types here). I've also faced conflict with faculty, mostly my boss, to the point where I've had to talk to the chair about how he's been treating me.

I don't think about the guy I was in love with as much anymore, though he continues to make cameos in my dreams and day to day conversations. I ran into his ex-bandmate yesterday at a show, and we actually ended up talking for a long time and even grabbed each other's socials before the night ended. I'm also certain he's stalking my Instagram, as a private account with his initials in the username has viewed my public story a few times now. It's surprisingly not getting a strong reaction out of me either way.

Speaking of, I also came back to Instagram a couple weeks ago. I don't doomscroll anymore. I don't even care to watch most reels that people send me. The most I do on there is check people's stories and respond to DMs.

I'm also trying dating apps now, but plan to delete my accounts when my subscription runs out in May. They're just as unappealing as I thought they'd be.

I had another dream about my dad: the one where I can fly and use that ability to run away and hide from him. I'm still no contact and don't plan on that changing.

In conclusion, a lot has happened. I feel like I'm in a transitional part of my life where everything feels temporary and like it'll all change any second. Despite my worry, I think it's been good for me. I've had to learn even more about maturity and handling difficult people than ever. Here's to hopefully more positive change.

I've also had a lot happen to me academically that I'd love to write about soon, but that will likely happen when the semester ends in May. I'll see you guys next time. -G

2.5

Grieving People Who Haven't Died

February 28th is a really strange day for me this year. Today marks one year since I realized I was in love with someone. I could point out to you just about where on that Providence sidewalk it clicked for me. This is what I wrote when I came home that night: 

Friday I realized that I’m in love with you. The energy in the room was great and everyone was getting along so you were happy. You looked at me and smiled and I wish I was able to take 1000 photos of that moment. For a moment my world stood still and even sound hesitated to enter my ears. Though you weren’t dressed up I thought you looked beautiful. You’re beautiful simply because you’re you. You passed through me like sunlight in a dense forest and gently warmed my chest. The energy shot up to behind my eyes and I felt all my senses expand into another dimension the same way they do during the best part of a favorite song. I looked into your eyes and wanted nothing more than to be truthful when you said “You’re looking at me like you’re expecting something.” I wasn’t expecting anything from you, but from myself. I thought I was going to tell you how much I love spending time with you and how much I love your face but I held back. It just wasn’t the right time. 

My words aren't great there (was probably drinking with my old roommate right before) but it paints enough of a picture. The way I remember this moment last year clearer than yesterday says so much. I can feel the memory of that feeling in my chest. I looked up at the sky tonight and remembered how beautiful I thought the sky was that Friday. Realizing I was back under that exact same set of stars after my highly uneventful workday felt crushing but somehow still beautiful. That was the first time I've ever romantically loved someone and the fact that nothing ever came out of it, and how that person isn't even in my life anymore, hurts so bad. It's so hard because it's not like he's fallen off the face of the earth. This is someone I could call right now if I dug through my old messages and found his number, though I'd likely get a horrible response. I will see him in person again and again as long as we both continue to love our local hardcore punk scene, though we most likely won't talk. I continue to work towards moving on because it's extremely likely we won't ever reconnect, even as friends.

I emphasize the likliness of it all because that's the worst part of grieving someone who isn't outright dead or entirely off the grid: possibility. The fact that there's not a true 0% chance of ever reconnecting with the person you've seemed to have lost makes it harder to put things to rest. My brain (not just for this person, but many), loves to harp on this to me all hours of the day: "Despite everything, maybe it's not over." It's as if those words undo the shitty stitch job I gave myself after being torn open. Then some asshole in the corner of my mind who thinks this is all funny runs over and seizes this opportunity to pour salt in them.

It's really weird to feel an emotion that's usually reserved for death when I think about people who are probably just doomscrolling on their phones right now. I even catch myself talking about some of them in the past tense, depending on how long it's been, but I still always wonder what they're up to and if they're doing okay.

I still talk about all of them. I tell my friends stories about them and about the things they liked and disliked and all the stupid little quirks they had. I make the same jokes we used to make together and do things we promised to do. I'll see things and think to myself, "God, they would've loved this." They make me laugh as much as they make me cry.

Despite the copious amounts of shit I'll make fun of these people for to my buddies, there's still some semblance of love deep, deep down. I miss my old best friends. I miss that guy. I miss my dad. All that rotting platonic, familial and romantic love I've locked away is never not going to hurt. Part of me always wants to pick up the phone but I also know painfully well how important it is that I don't. Sometimes people are much better as memories.

2.4

 Blogger, things have been insane lately. I’ve been sitting here for so long trying to describe how I feel but I’ve been finding it harder and harder to convey my emotions at all these past few months. All I can really write today is that I was going through some old videos of my music scene and I slightly spiraled thinking about how everything ended between those people and me. 

However, I was also just digging through my old writings from 2025 and I found this abstract ramble from July that really resonated with me. I rephrased a few things to better fit me now but at least it helped me get the emotions out:

the clock strikes three as i, agonized, lay curled sideways on my bed. my organs creak mournfully, punished after all they’ve done to me. the blood pools to my heart, once lifted by air, now too dense to stay afloat. it sinks from my chest to the floor in one trembling sigh. it lands in a bath of moonlight from my window, feeling drowned by being seen. 

in my own eyes i’ve now misplaced my hope. and the tighter i close my eyes, the more dreaded colors i see. even alone all those faces are inescapable, so indescribable yet real. they recall my fears; so vivid yet shallow. the crowd reacts to my form so grotesquely. even with the ones that don’t walk away or gesture, their thoughts still bleed from their faces. maybe half of these scenes aren’t real but i can feel the tears take a walk from my eyes to the tip of my nose, where they finally jump to dissolve and die. 

my eyes open and can’t help but glue themselves to the stars out the window. as they ride the treetops their beauty further vilified me. i wish i was as emotionless; a blank stare until I fade. i dream beyond and remember every church pointing to them. beauty made their hearts into homes. 

yet i’m trapped here, no one’s star and my heart growing colder on the wood floor: undesirable. 

There’s a lot of people I miss and there’s also a lot of people that made me feel like I was difficult to look at or even listen to. Both are true for the some people somehow. It’s painful but that’s just how it is right now. Maybe I’ll come to you guys with more cleaned-up archives in the future because this was cathartic for me at least. 

See you next time. -G