2.4

 Blogger, things have been insane lately. I’ve been sitting here for so long trying to describe how I feel but I’ve been finding it harder and harder to convey my emotions at all these past few months. All I can really write today is that I was going through some old videos of my music scene and I slightly spiraled thinking about how everything ended between those people and me. 

However, I was also just digging through my old writings from 2025 and I found this abstract ramble from July that really resonated with me. I rephrased a few things to better fit me now but at least it helped me get the emotions out:

the clock strikes three as i, agonized, lay curled sideways on my bed. my organs creak mournfully, punished after all they’ve done to me. the blood pools to my heart, once lifted by air, now too dense to stay afloat. it sinks from my chest to the floor in one trembling sigh. it lands in a bath of moonlight from my window, feeling drowned by being seen. 

in my own eyes i’ve now misplaced my hope. and the tighter i close my eyes, the more dreaded colors i see. even alone all those faces are inescapable, so indescribable yet real. they recall my fears; so vivid yet shallow. the crowd reacts to my form so grotesquely. even with the ones that don’t walk away or gesture, their thoughts still bleed from their faces. maybe half of these scenes aren’t real but i can feel the tears take a walk from my eyes to the tip of my nose, where they finally jump to dissolve and die. 

my eyes open and can’t help but glue themselves to the stars out the window. as they ride the treetops their beauty further vilified me. i wish i was as emotionless; a blank stare until I fade. i dream beyond and remember every church pointing to them. beauty made their hearts into homes. 

yet i’m trapped here, no one’s star and my heart growing colder on the wood floor: undesirable. 

There’s a lot of people I miss and there’s also a lot of people that made me feel like I was difficult to look at or even listen to. Both are true for the some people somehow. It’s painful but that’s just how it is right now. Maybe I’ll come to you guys with more cleaned-up archives in the future because this was cathartic for me at least. 

See you next time. -G