2.1

Can’t believe it’s February already. That means it’s been nearly a year since I realized I was in love (February 28th). The number of cigarettes I’ve smoked outside of my campus’ music building, in tears over that loser, while listening to Romantic and Drunk II by Mannequin Pussy on repeat, has already reached an embarrassing amount. Those songs mean so much to me after how everything turned out, and what’s crazy is that those are two of Loser’s favorite MP songs too. Whatever man. He’s a poser. 

But the good news is that maybe I’m healing.

I came to a really scary but relieving realization yesterday: I think I like a girl. This is scary because it means I’m moving on from Loser, which for whatever reason, frightens me. I think it’s because even months later, I’m still struggling to process that he’s not in my life anymore. I keep treating him like the person I knew pre and post all The Horrors are two different people, and that the ‘old’ version of him and I just haven’t had the chance to talk in a while, and that we’ll hang out again. This new crush is forcing my disillusioned brain to join the ‘two’ together, and that makes everything appear so painfully terminal. The delusions in the back of my mind of him coming back to me in any form have been shot out of the sky. She’s made me feel grounded in a way I haven’t felt in a long time. We’re slowly reaching the late stages of grief: acceptance. 

I don’t even know if anything will ever come out of this. There’s even a good chance that she doesn’t like men, though I haven’t asked. I won’t ask our mutual friends either because I don’t want people knowing how I feel. My other friends don’t even know I’m friends with her yet because I’m scared of being suspicious if I bring her up (I’m horrible at hiding these sorts of things).

can't even say "my gay ass" here since
this is a rare hetero moment for me. smh

 I noticed thinking that she was really pretty near the end of last semester but I never told anyone. We just started becoming friendly in the past couple months, and when I had dinner with her yesterday, I realized that I might genuinely like her in that way. There was a whole group of us at a table but there were a few times where we were having our own conversation, talking over the other conversation going on from opposite ends of the table. We have a surprising amount of things in common but I honestly got a little lost when we were talking. Yes, in the cornball rom com way. I kept nodding and smiling, and when she asked me something, I realized I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. I also noticed that I felt a tiny bit of that warmth in my chest that I once felt with Loser. 

If you told me this in November, I’d never believe you. I thought it would be physically impossible for me to feel like that towards anyone else. I thought feeling that way for a new person would be riddled with shame and I’d somehow feel dirty, but it turns out it’s not like that. It felt really fucking nice. It’s such a relief to see that I can start over despite all my fears and doubts. And liking her means that I don’t love him anymore, which feels tragic but also like some closure that I’ve desperately needed. Even if nothing happens between her and I, it’s so good for me that this happened. It means that I can love again despite how badly he fucked me up. 

Rare semi-positive post for once. See you guys next time! -G