1.16

 There and Back Again (from my apartment)

Today I got to kick something off my bucket list: watching all the Lord of the Rings movies in theaters in one day! I always watch the whole trilogy every year in winter but seeing it in theaters with friends added so much to the experience. 

I think I cried as much as I laughed in those twelve hours. These movies have always been special to me, ever since watching them for the first time when I was twelve. When I was younger, I really enjoyed them for the action and maybe for a couple of characters, but as I've gotten older, I've found myself really seeing parts of myself in these movies. 

My focus changes every watch. Two years ago, this movie was about friendship. Last year, it was about keeping hope. This year, it was learning to live despite the things that have happened to you. 

The past year has been very hard for me in a lot of different ways. It's caused me to change so much that I don't think I'll ever fully feel like myself again. While Aragorn will always be my favorite character, I found myself connecting with Frodo a lot on this watch. You watch the trauma he faces twist his character in every possible way. He lashes out at Sam or is utterly hopeless, often both at the same time. He forgets the beauty of his life before this journey as the Ring engulfs his entire mind. The stab wound he receives from the Nazgûl never fully heals and still hurts him years later.What Frodo said when he and his friends finally returned to the Shire stuck with me:

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.

The answer, while he doesn't outright say it, is acceptance. I think this is represented by him going off to Valinor in the end. It's him accepting that things will never be the same and that it's time to move on. 

I constantly wish I could go back in time to before I had all the issues I have now. I waste so much time wishing the person I was in 2024 were here in my place. Unfortunately, I'll never be that person again. That year of bliss between high school and 2025, where I finally broke out of my depressive episode and thought I would have my newly found best friends forever. It was naive to think things could never get bad again in new ways, but how was I supposed to know? I was barely out of high school. 

I will never feel that free and trusting again, and that's okay, though I wish I also had a Valinor to sail off to with my wizard and elf friends to make everything better.

My Music Collection

Today's pick is Titanic Rising by Weyes Blood, an album that could easily be the definition for the word "lush." It has some soft rock influences but this album immediately sets itself apart from most art pop records I've heard with its opening song, A Lot's Gonna Change. The song's lyrics explain what I was just trying to say in this post, but in a much more sophisticated way. The stunning backing track probably helps as well.

That's all for today. See you tomorrow! -G