1.7

Today was a day of rest for me because for whatever reason, I just woke up not feeling great. In result, have two sorta put-together thoughts:

"Feeling Younger than Your Age"

I've constantly heard about people feeling younger than their age. Before I deleted Instagram, I saw so many posts from people my age with that audio that goes something like, "Suddenly you realize you're not 17 anymore and you haven't been 17 for a very long time," usually followed by woes of still feeling like a teenager despite being in their twenties. Why does it seem like so many people feel like they're unable to progress past their teenage years? What was so good about that specific time for everyone that outweighs the far better things (that outweigh the cons, in my opinion) of adulthood?

The overwhelming amount of nostalgia-sick people my age makes me feel like I missed out on something key in my teenage years. I knew depression ate those years away, but never thought they'd be that important in the grand scheme of things, even now in hindsight. I stopped going to dances in 8th grade. I only attended the football games when I was required to be in the pep band, once I joined the wind ensemble. I didn't do sports. I never experienced teenage love.  I was on the math team, but spent the entire time doodling to make my four friends laugh instead. They weren't even good friends, and they were all out of my life by the end of my first semester of college. I only took two APs ever that I barely passed the exams for. I had one job for a year that I hated, where all my coworkers had a group chat without me (They got weird after I made the mistake of telling one of them I was nonbinary). There were many cases where my teachers still didn't know my name by the end of the year. I declined to have a graduation party that my parents were ready to spend hundreds on. 

I think there are pros and cons to my experience. The benefit is that I can wake up, even on my worst days, and think, "Well, at least I'm not a teenager anymore." I believe it's only up from there. I don't feel nostalgic for that time in my life, and I have nothing from those years to miss. But maybe that's a con, too: I have nothing to miss. 

I've done everything I can to get as far away from high school as I can. Meanwhile, a lot of my friends still go home every break, catching up with friends dating back to even elementary school; some even working the same jobs they've had since they were 16 because their bosses and coworkers are that great. My brother's gonna be one of those people when he graduates next year: he's had mostly the same friend group since kindergarten. I think it's a really wonderful thing for those people, how they get that luxury of lifelong comfort and trust. No matter what, they can come home to what they've always known. You can look at it as limiting your growth as well, but I think that the positive outcome is more important, especially in times like this. As long as you're still doing things with your life beyond reminiscing about high school, you're probably fine.

I think I've concluded what feels missing: lifelong friends. I have wonderful friendships right now, but I'm constantly afraid that they'll fall apart. I'll grow super close to someone only to grow super far from them just as fast. Unfortunately for me, this is normal for my situation. Most friendships just don't make it past college, as you're both growing and changing at such a fast rate. 

But I know I have some absolutely lovely people in my life (if you know me in real life and I've given you access to this blog for some reason, know I'm talking about you). I'd love for them to become lifelong friends, but all I can do is continue to love them for the time being and hope we make it past the little hellscape that is university together. Even right now, I'm planning to try to do a Lord of the Rings marathon IN THEATERS with one of my closest friends when the trilogy gets rereleased in the US next week. I'm pretty sure that means she's a keeper.

Maybe there will be a point where I yearn for or feel like I can't go beyond a certain age, but not right now. What will cause that to happen? Is it a great network of friends and community? I don't think it'll be while I'm in undergrad. Maybe it'll be 25? 30? 50? 70? Who knows. I don't think I'll care as long as I continue to have a better time than I did in high school.

Why do they make us prove who we are?

A really good point was made on this video about Candace Owens by Matt Bernstein. It was a total sidebar from Candace Owens, but transgender identity politics got brought up in a way that was refreshing for me. Neither Matt nor his guest is trans, but they were talking about how, especially in the 2010s, there was this idea that transgender people had to prove they're "really trans" to everyone. I can say that while I didn't know I was trans yet in the 2010s, I absolutely remember this, as a couple of my friends in middle school were trans.

As Matt also mentioned, that's around the time all the "born in the wrong body" language became a thing. It was like there was this strict set of code words and phrases you had to say to get somebody to believe you. If your experience differed at all from what the cisgender people in your lives already knew about trans people, you were doubted. My mom doubted me so much because there was never an incident when I was little where I told her I was a boy. I always thought I was a girl because I didn't understand my feelings yet. I was confused why every night I hoped I would somehow wake up as whatever male fictional character I was projecting onto at the time. The number of times I'd feel uncomfortable about my gender, and cope by deciding that I was just gonna internally pretend I was Bucky Barnes or Gerard Way or some OC or whatever other guy I wished I was for the day, even up to my early teens, was uncountably high. When the concept of being transgender was introduced to me in middle school, I concluded that I wasn't trans, but maybe I had a male mind in a female body (despite this closeted/in-denial/peak-dysphoria era of my life being hard to look back on, the mental gymnastics of this are so fucking funny to me). And even when I did come out to myself as some unlabelled confused mess at 15, I didn't realize I was a man until I was 17. And EVEN THEN, I stayed in denial until college, when I bit the bullet of being publicly out. 

I really hate the cookie-cutter view the world has of gender, even transgender and nonbinary identities. I think if I told my family about my complicated layers of dysphoria and envy and denial, they'd just think I'm crazy. Even though I initially rephrased all of this into the 'right' things to say, I still get nagged for "needing to figure things out" every couple of months by somebody, all because I haven't started seeking anything medical. They don't understand the concept of taking your time, and that being out for just a bit over two years is really not a long time to have been out. Sometimes I feel like I have three options with this shit:

1. alter my life's story to fit society's idea of a transgender man and jump into medical transition ASAP despite not feeling ready (I will say though, I want to get my name legally changed this year, so maybe that'll help make me seem legit??)
2. explain all the embarrassing private little incidents and thoughts that pointed me into realizing who I was (do they really need to hear about the time when I was 9 years old and was heartbroken when the neighbor, who claimed to be a witch, couldn't turn me into Shadow the Hedgehog???) 
3. continue to refuse to tell them anything at all, so they can continue to label me as confused and unsure of myself.

I'm fine with the third option because I can at least keep my peace. But I wish I lived in a world where I was just understood. Maybe I'm just trans because I was born that way, just like how I'm bi because I was also born that way. I'm a man because, well, I am. Why is a state of simply being allowed for so many things until you're transgender?

And this also isn't me saying that no one feels "born in the wrong body." Cisgender people seem to believe there's only one correct way to justify being trans, and it's that one. In reality, it's just one of infinite ways someone can explain why they're trans. It's impossible for an experience this deeply personal and internal to be wrong. I just wish we didn't have to prove so exhaustively and invasively who we are.

My Music Collection

Today's CD is metalcore/screamo band Holder's self-titled EP! This is the newest release I have in my collection as of today.

I always love to support local bands when I can, so I bought this CD at their show in Pawtucket in November! They've been touring a lot lately, so I recommend checking them out if you're into hardcore music and they're in your area. Another selling point is that they're fronted by a trans woman, and it's always awesome to see queer bands in hardcore.

check out First Cut is the Deepest (One Way Dance)

Thanks for reading! See you tomorrow! -G